$HITLIST: Monumental Disgrace – A Honest Review of “Building my Taj Mahal” by Paul Vieira – @dawgmanistan

$HITLIST: Monumental Disgrace – A Honest Review of “Building my Taj Mahal” by Paul Vieira – @dawgmanistan

A Honest Review of “Building my Taj Mahal” by Paul Vieira - @dawgmanistan

“22 years. 20,000 people. 1,000 elephants. 40 million rupees, 500kg of gold, and the deep longing of an emperor. This is what it took to build the world famous Taj Mahal, a tribute to a beautiful woman and monument of enduring love.”

…And it only took 21 minutes and 53 seconds for Paul Vieira, Producer of Wind City, to piss in that beautiful woman’s mouth and defecate in the unwilling ears of adult easy-listening fans across the globe. Initially skewered during last week’s “Name Dropping the Ball – A Wind City Analysis”, “Building my Taj Mahal” is one man’s easy-listening opus to the family and life that he loves. I also suspect that Bottom Door Studios required a good sanitization and wipe-down to erase the stink of one man’s poorly executed ego trip from their mixing boards.

Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Track 1 – Back Where I Began

The only moderately tolerable song on this recording. I just can’t shake the fact that EVERY SINGLE adult-contemporary artist starts their albums off with a “rocker”. The only exception here is that rocks as much as Al Gore getting down with a karaoke version of “Have You Ever Seen The Rain“.

Highlight – I’m a sucker for piano/keyboards on “a rocker”. It was tasteful.

Lowlight – This explanation of the lyrics from the artist “My wife keeps me chasing. It is hard for me to explain how she does it. She still plays hard-to-get. She’s slightly aloof with me, but in a totally attractive way. It keeps me captivated by her.” So…you’re meaning to tell me that she makes you stand on a treadmill while she stands in front of you defecating last night’s paneer masala into an old rancid fish bucket?

Track 2 – Something in the Heartache

Let me tell you something about heartbreak – There is NOTHING that “comforts me” as you profess. Anxiety, insomnia, bad Plenty of Fish dates, new blisters on your palms….Does that sound fun to you? DOES IT, PAUL??!!

Highlight – There’s something “cute” about a man who speaks of heartbreaks that have made him stronger. Like your life is that much better now with 2.3 kids pissing in your shampoo bottles when you’re not looking and a spouse who entering early menopause

Lowlight – “I’m building my Taj Mahal, still I can’t stand another word of it.” Wait wait wait. So while creating this album, you actually had a moment of brevity and realized how much of a destitute failure you are at writing songs. It must have been your clearest thought you had in years AND YOU IGNORED IT AND KEPT WRITING THE ALBUM?

Track 3 – Safe

Wonderful. I’ve hit the first ballad. Let me guess…SHE MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE??? The only thing that should have been safe were your parents each evening they attempted to conceive you (PRO TIP – Dental dams are effective if contraceptives are in short order)


Highlight – I mixed a protein shake while listening to this and the blend of honey, almond, and flax seed almost made me forget why pretentious TV producers shouldn’t be allowed in the studio

Lowlight – “Listen to your heart now, telling you that somehow, I feel safe”. Fucking told you.

Track 4 – More That I Can Say

TWO BALLADS? For fuck’s sake. I should have listened to my high school counselor when he told me that journalism was a dying art. “If you need a friend, more than a lover today, I can pretend that’s okay”. Way to give away the secret of EVERY SINGLE MAN who has ever tried to get in their lady friend’s pants after 3 too many Palm Bays at a homecoming party.

Highlight – There were actually some string arrangements at the beginning which made me reminisce of Kiss’ unheralded opus “Great Expectations”.

Lowlight – This got me REALLY excited as I pictured Peter Criss seductively telling me what his hands can do and hearing a children’s choir. Sadly, I got neither but instead of a lifetime memory of shame.

Track 5 – Promise

The beginning of this song sounded like “Changes” or an inspirational Disney commercial. The verse swayed with the easiness of Miley Cyrus at a lemon party. The chorus really TRIES TO ROCK, YOU KNOW. I absolutely abhor artists trying to give themselves an “edge”. We can tell you’re soft by the acoustic guitar overdubs. Cut it out.

Highlight – This song provoked deep thoughts that I had never experienced before. Like “Only one more song to go” and “How can you make someone disappear from the face of the earth forever?”

Lowlight – Wah wah solos/leads. Unless you’re Tom Morello or Deep Purple, don’t. Just fucking don’t.

Track 6 – Come My Way

At first listen, my ears perked up like a dog whose master was giving him a cookie after viciously beating him for hours. The piano riff had a bit of a “driving” feel to it, there were some “space drums” and an upbeat vibe making me think about my future of not listening to this album. I really tried with – all I could muster – to appreciate this.

I really did.

Did you know? The lyrics for this song were actually originally chanted in Paganist rituals in the late 1300s in an attempt to destroy off all sentient life on earth to be replaced by Patchouli-plant slaves (or at least leave them crippled with a loss of self and an extreme apathy to no longer live)

Highlight – “One sip from the cup she was drinking went straight to my head with her thinking she had me believe i kept needing to come back for more” It’s called Roofies. And if you’re hanging around broads desperate enough to attempt that on a guy, I have some questions about how well your marriage is really working for you,

Lowlight – “She told me that i was a sinner and that if i tried could do better but what is this standard of measure that kicks you when you’re down? She’d say that my faith is fleeting but i tell you my heart is still beating looking for an intimate setting for two.” See? I tried to warn you.

Overall…

They say don’t quit your day job. Well, what the fuck are you supposed to do when you stink at that too? In Paul Vieira’s case, the Shit-Lightning has struck twice as this album and his awful new web series, “Wind City” attest. You know how your parents always say “Never Give Up, Son” and “Don’t fuck him before the second date, Sally?” They were wrong.

Agree with @dawgmanistan’s opinion? Share your thoughts & pains in the comments below.

Leave a Reply

*