A Pan-Asian Logan’s Run (or How I Got My Cod Sperm Back) – @dawgmanistan discusses AKB48

A Pan-Asian Logan’s Run (or How I Got My Cod Sperm Back) – @dawgmanistan discusses AKB48

@dawgmanistan reviews AKB48

Ahh…Japan. The proud birthplace of used panty machines, home of purported curses from long-dead fast food magnates and the setting for Tom Selleck’s 1992 masterpiece Mr. Baseball. In a misguided attempt to broaden my cultural horizons, I banzai’d my way over to the Japanese charts to check out the current number one hit “Mae Shika Mukanee” by AKB48.

There are 89 members in this shit. 89! Apparently, some pedophile music executives put together a “Japan Idol Girl Group” ranging in ages from early teens to mid-20s. Then, when you turn 26, a light on your hand turns off, you attend Carrousel and get blown to smithereens quicker than a tidal wave hitting a nuclear power plant. A sort of “Pan-Asian Logan’s Run”, if you will.

It’s a little hard to put my penis tip on the music here. The first thing that came to mind was Swinging Utters-meets-Andrew W.K.-meets-Every Horrible Pop Song You’ve Ever Heard. Even still, it didn’t make me want to saw my four limbs off with a rusty butter knife like some music does, DID IT PAUL????!!!!

I cringed with the fury of twenty men while attempting to explore meaning in translated lyrics such as “I only look forward at the very end, show me that cool side of yours” and “They threatened to stuff me full of cod sperm and send my family to America if I didn’t perform in this group. Please send help”.

Visually, it’s a pretty standard vanilla-Pocky flavoured clip. They’re dancing around and singing in front of a legion of adoring fans in a ballroom. I had high expectations that it would evolve into a sexual-Battle-Royale thing but sadly NOTHING HAPPENED AT ALL. Really. There wasn’t anything exciting about it at first but then I had a miraculous moment of clarity.

Allow me to explain.

As previously stated, they’re in their mid-teens to mid-20s. I’m 31. So, which ones can I jerk off to? I found it extremely difficult to discern this as they ALL looked like they were 15 and were ALL dressed up in mini-skirts created out of what appeared to be crazy Japanese candy bar wrappers. However, a grown man cannot be discerning at times like these.

Overall – Meh. I had more fun reminiscing about summers at the cabin when CBC played “Mr. Baseball” EVERY FUCKING WEEK when I was a child than I did watching this bland piece of corporate mung. If this is what the kids are listening to overseas nowadays, I’ll take Sin with Sebastian any-day of the week.

Now where’s my cod sperm at?

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