For those of you who do not know me, I’m regarded amongst my peers as an optimist and an intensely private person. In my quest to broaden my horizons, I will now bestow upon you one of my deepest, darkest secrets:
Part 1 -:- Bumpkin’ Lies.
When a woman asks me, “What kind of music do you like listening to?” I will always, without an ounce of hesitation, respond with “I love all kinds of music, INCLUDING COUNTRY”
Ladies. This is a lie.
No matter how much you might just think you may have met the penis/man of your dreams – if a well-endowed dawg suavely twirls your hair and whispers “I love allll kinds of music”, he is betting the farm that being non-commital will make you:
- Be amazed at what an open-minded, artistic specimen he is
- Assume that the dirty jeans and blown out Nirvana shirt he’s wearing is “intense personal expression“
- Have sex with him to the full Rob Zombie discography
Part 2 -:- Straight Facts.
No self-respecting male between the ages of 20 and 35 actually likes country music. We just pretend we do in a Night-at-the-Roxbury–meets-JoJo’s-Physic-Alliance-mind-game sort of way. In reviewing Flat Lake, Alberta’s homegrown token-Ryan-Renolyds-looking Brett Kissel’s new video for smash hit”3-2-1”, I asserted this stance with every movie-cum-music-video cliché I could shake my cow-brander at.
Part 3 -:- The Review.
Let me paint a picture for you.
John Buck Stud (aka Brett Kissel) is elbow deep in a loving embrace with what appears as a younger, homelier Jodie Foster [ perhaps off the Canadian extra pile? ] when things get all serious. A couple of thugs knock the stud out and carry the girl away, screaming in terror.
My initial dream was to have the lead actress provide the rest of the cast with a couple of acting lessons. Clearly a Canadian-produced country music video does not have the budget for this. Plus, the two bikers are not remotely scary. These guys look like Duck Dynasty at a Rob Halford convention.
I mean, they wouldn’t even qualify as fluffers on the Sons of Anarchy set.
Anyways, Mr. Stud wakes up with his hands duct-taped to the wheel of his ride and Halford #1 is in the seat next to him. Halford #2 has the girl writhing in his clutches. She really DOES NOT want to give those lessons. With chops like this, I can empathize with her plight.
Halford #1 – “I think you messed with the wrong father’s daughter. You know, I ain’t never had no children. So, I don’t really know what it’s like to love something. THAT MUCH”
Mr. Stud – “I feel sorry for you”
Halford #2 – “Naw. I feel sorry for you”
Profound, isn’t it?
As the poorly-acted events unfold, Halford #1 gets out of the car and grabs two Jerry Cans so he can help this poor fellow and Jodie Foster with their empty gas tank.
JUST KIDDING. HE’S GONNA BURN HIM ALIVE!
Honestly, he would be doing us all a massive favour.
At this point, Mr. Stud weakly mumbles the verse of the titular song as a pathetic apology for leaving the toilet seat up the last couple of nights.
Now the actual song begins.
The shot cuts to flashbacks of (likely) where they met and reflects upon the usual early-relationship stand-bys such as:
- Walking Near Culverts
- Nuzzling your Lover’s Ear While Gazing into the Sun
- Pre-Mature Ejaculation
- The Realization You are Out of Pocket Wipes
Oh. He also rhymes “Hours” with “Water Towers”. How Mellancampish.
At no point, does this six-minute slab of drudgery EVER explain who the father is who John Buck enraged! Nor does it mention what he actually did (Or didn’t do) to the daughter.
It’s always the things we don’t do, isn’t it.
Halford #1: “Do you believe in this whole soul man thing”
Now the car is aflame.
Hurrah! Finally, I get the ending that I want in a video and…OH NO!
to be kidding me.
Johnnie has somehow managed to get the car into drive with his hands taped behind the wheel and impossibly shine his headlights on the EXACT spot the Halford Twins threw his keys earlier on.
It’s a country Miracle!!
To add to this random, convenient turn of events (seeing as there’s 30 seconds left in the video), Young Miss Foster somehow breaks free of the lumbering Halford #2. With the agility of someone who hasn’t been bear-hugged by a large, bearded man for the last 10 hours of filming; she bolts into the field where the aforementioned keys lay await.
She gets to the car BUT NOT IN THE NICK OF TIME AS FLAMES ENGULF OUR HERO and the camera fades into a shot of these two malcontents holding hands in an earlier, happier time.
I did not expect that!
While I will provide due credit to the creators of this video for bucking the country music video trend of having the sappiest endings under undue hardship (See: Standing Outside the Fire and Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox If I Die), I just couldn’t get into the idea of how unrealistic the entire production was.
At the very least I’ve come away from this experience having learned that you never, EVER cast outside a Judas Priest tribute concert. And if you do… tell the ladies you actually like country.
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